**Courtesy of MIKE
GIRL: "Kailangan na nating maghiwalay."
BOY: "Bakit mahal?"
GIRL: "Hindi ka gusto ni tatay."
BOY: "Aba, mas lalo nako. Bakit, sinabi ko ba gusto ko siya?"
NAWAWALANG KAKAMBAL
BOY: "Ahm… ale ale nakita nyu pu bang dumaan ung kakambal ko dito?"
ALE: "Bakit anu ba hitsura ng kakambal mo?"
Feeling cute si Pedro..
PEDRO: "Hoy Juan, look at my pictures. Ang cute ko dito, tingnan mo."
JUAN: "Ay, oo nga.. ang ganda ng background!"
Limang bagay tinuro satin ng Pinoy movies:
1. Paniguradong isa sa kambal na magkapatid ay pinanganak na MASAMA.
2. Kapag mag dedefuse ka ng bomba, wag kang mag-alala kung anung wire ang puputulin, laging tama ang mapipili mo.
3. Ang bida ay hindi nasasaktan pag ginugulpi ng kaaway, pero pag ginagamot na ng babae, todoy aray.
4. Ang sekreta ay nakaka solve ng kaso pag natanggal na sya sa trabaho.
5. Kapag naisipan mong sumayaw sa kalye, lahat ng makakasalubong mo my makikisayaw din at alam pa ang steps mo!
Isang gabi nagkuwentuhan ang mga ina ukol sa panganganak.
Ang sabi ng isang babae, "Ayaw ko nang manganak. Tama na itong isa dahil masakit, mahirap at magastos."
Sabi naman ng nanay ko, "Sana po kung gaano kasarap ang pagpasok, ganun din po sana ang paglabas."
"TOP 5 New SONGS"
5. "RUN AWAY" by Ramona Revilla
4. "I’LL NEVER LET YOU GO" by Lyla Dilemma
3. "I’M S0 SICK" by Gloria Macapal Arroyo
2."TARA NA, BYAHE TAYO" by Noynoy Aquino
and the last is…
1. "THIS GUY’S IN LOVE WITH YOU, PARE" by KC Concepcion.
At 15, a girl is a SURPRISE.
At 25, she is the RIGHT PRIZE.
At 35, a GRAND PRIZE.
At 45, a CONSOLATION PRIZE.
At 55, she is a DOOR PRIZE.
At 65, a GIVEAWAY PRIZE
BOY: "Madam, my son will not come to school today because he is sick."
TEACHER: "Who is speaking?"
BOY: "My papa is Speaking…"
TAXI DRIVER: "Mam, u r the 3rd pregnant lady whom I’m dropping to the airport today."
LADY: "But I’m not pregnant."
TAXI DRIVER: "But we haven’t reached the airport yet…"
TEACHER: "Washi, anong hayop ang pinakamabilis tumakbo?"
WASHI: "Ma’am, pulitiko po…"
TEACHER: "At bakit?"
WASHI: "Kasi matagal pa eleksyon pero nangangampanya na po agad sila."
TEACHER: "Hayop nga…"
New research shows a man speaks 25,000 words daily and
a woman speaks 30,000 words daily..
Problem starts when husband comes home from his office after using his 25,000 words and wife starts her 30,000.
WOMAN: "Darling you have changed…"
MAN: "Why do you say that?"
WOMAN: "You used to close your eyes when you kissed but you don’t close them now."
MAN: "Because the last time when I closed my eyes 10,000 pesos went missing from my wallet."
Kapag ganitong napakalamig ng panahon dalawa naiisip ko eh. Basta dalawa yun..
Dun ko isusubsob mukha ko para uminit. 
PEDRO: "Kapg natulog ba ako sa tabi ng misis mo, magkumpare pa rin tayo?"
JUAN: "hmm… Hindi."
PEDRO: "Magkaaway na?"
JUAN: "Hindi rin!"
PEDRO: "Eh ano na?"
JUAN: "Quits na tayo!"
VAMPIRE: "Kakagatin kita!"
TAO: "Wag! may masamang mangyayari!"
VAMPIRE: *bites neck* "May sasabihin ka pa?"
TAO: "I….. Have…….AIDS!"
After a certain age,
Men and Women become like Christmas tree.
The Balls and Bells are only for decoration!
A bachelor wrote his status on FB, "I want a Wife."
6 women LIKE it
AND
2,000 men COMMENTED,
"YOU CAN HAVE MINE."
Tatlong babae nag-uusap…
GIRL1: "Yung bf ko pinapasok ung 4 na daliri nya sa wekwek ko."
GIRL2: "Yung bf ko dalawang kamay pinapasok sa wekwek ko."
GIRL3: (tinaas ang palda) sweetheart lumabas ka na dyan, papakilala ko friends ko sayo."
DALAWANG LASING NAGTATAPANG TAPANGAN
(umalis si lasing 1,pagbalik may tilamsik ng dugo sa katawan)
LASING 1: "Kita m0 yung tricycle na yun?"
LASING 2: "0o."
LASING 1: "Ginulpi ko yung driver at dalawang pasahero."
(umalis si lasing 2,pagbalik pun0ng pun0 ng dugo)
LASING 1: "Astig ka. Grabe ang daming dugo. An0 ang nangyare?"
LASING 2: "Kita mo yung bus na yun?"
LASING 1: "0o."
LASING 2: "PWES! AKO HINDI KO NAKITA!"
Lalaki umiihi..
LALAKI: "Hoy bading umalis ka diyan, ba’t naninilip ka? Baka isampal ko to sa ‘yo."
BADING: (lumapit pa) "Talaga lang ha. Magkabilaan gawin mo ha?"
Ang mga PLAYBOY parang MERCURY DRUGSTORE lang yan..
"nakakasiguradona SYOTA/ASAWA ay laging BAGO."
LOLO: "Mahal matatanda na tayo.. pero dapat matalas pa rin ang memory natin. pwede ba kitang subukan?"
LOLA: "Aba oo! cge tanungin mo ako."
LOLO: "5 plas 5?"
LOLA: "12 diba?"
LOLO: "Ay oo nga matalas pa rin memory mo mahal. magaling ka pa rin sa english hanggang ngayon!"
Ultimate Hide and Seek Game of the Century..
BARACK OBAMA: "Huli kaw!"
OSAMA BIN LADEN: "Ay taya na ako.. ahihihi!"
Seeing a Cockroach in your Siopao is not a problem.
But,
Seeing Half a Cockroach in your Half Siopao is really a problem!
JUDGE: "What’s the proof that you were not overspeeding?
MAN: "Your honor, I was going to my in-law’s place to bring my wife..
JUDGE: "Case dismissed!"
AMO: "Inday! Diba ang dami kong biniling dish washing liquid? Ba’t bareta ng sabon yang gamit mo sa paghuhugas ng pinggan?"
INDAY: "Tinetesting ko lang kung magpapakita si Bitoy. "
Sa Parlor:
BABAE: "Pagandahin mo ko. Yung Super Ganda. Yung mai-insecure lahat ng makakakita sakin."
VICE GANDA: "Ay, ‘te! Beautician po ako. Hindi MAGICIAN. Ok?"
BOY: "Sapatos ka ba?"
GIRL: "Baket?"
BOY: "Masikip ka man sa una! Luluwang ka din pag inaraw araw na kita."
Mula ng nauso si Vice Ganda
madami na natutong mambara..
pero mula ng nauso si Anne Curtis..
Thank God..
di na nakakahiyang kumanta!
A girl asks a bookstore clerk, "Do you have a book entitled, ‘Girls Are Very Intelligent?’"
Sales clerk replies, "The Humor Section is on your left side."
oOo
"Kapag ang aso ang umuungol siguradong may tao. Pero kapag ang tao umuungol, siguradong gumagawa ng tao."
Huw 08 Dis 2011 at 5:32 hapon
Hello Mama Maru post lang ako funny quotes for u
UP Professors’ Quotable Quotes
“The aim of policy making is to invoke action! Because action speaks
louder than words! You do not just say I love you. You say: If you
love me, enter me! ”
- Dr. Alfonso Pacquing
“Class, next week na lang ung result sa exam nyo. I am having a hard
time checking it. I will seek first the divine guidance on what to do
about it. Class dont worry about your grade. Let me worry about it.”
- Sir de jesus, envi sci 1
(valentines day)
“Ano ba yan? Students ba kayo ng UP? Bakit ang bababa ng scores niyo?
Siguro wala kayong date ngayong valentines kaya ganito kayo. Losers!!!
When i was your age i had a date. Hindi ba naapektuhan ng UP FAIR
euphoria ng grades niyo? Parang di kayo masaya…”
(sabay matching tapon ng quizzes sa sahig)
“I won’t record this. Go find a date.”
(sabay walk out.)
- Sir Doliente, BA
Ma’am: Many people believe that we, psychology graduates can read minds…
(silence)
Actually, we can.
Class: Weh.. Sample..
Ma’am: Right now, you think that I’m bluffin
- Ma’am Chei Billedo, Psych
“I don’t give surprise long exams. all exams are announced. Halimbawa,
Class, mageexam tayo, NGAYON NA!”
- Ma’am Chei
“The human body is 70% water. Kaya wala kayong kasaysayan lahat. Pag
may kaaway ka, sabihin mo sa kanya, TUBIG KA LANG!!!
- Dr. Recio
“Oo, nagpapaulan ako ng uno… baket? aanhin ko ba nun? di naman ako
yayaman dun.”
- Sir Atoy Navarro, histo I
“Nasa bandang gilid ang fallopian tube. Kaya kung gusto niyong
magka-anak ng asawa niyo, dapat nakatagilid kayo habang gumagawa.”
- Ma’am Meggie, Zoo 10
“Last sem was the first time that I gave a grade of 5, and it felt good!!!”
Prof Goldie, Comm II, circa 1998, first day of class
atheist ako, pero pag nasa bahay, nagro rosary kami ng Nanay ko, eh
kung magalit sa kin yun.
- Socio 11 Prof
“you do not fall in love; you rise in love. That’s how you love rationally.”
- Dr. FG david
“Anong molars? You don’t say molars because it is an adjective! Do you
say beautifuls?”
- ma’am ilao, to a student who said “n molars”
“Kahit magpakamatay ka pa di mo masasagot yang problem set na yan
dahil pang-157 (phy chem II) yan!”
- ibid
“Do not memorize! Analyze!”
- doc nic, advising us, her students never to memorize reaction mechanisms
“Kaya nga ideal eh, hindi siya nangyayari sa totoong buhay. Pero an
approximation is good enough”
- sir engle, on ideal and real systems
and the unforgettable: “Wow. Rape-able.” and “Stand up Miss ___ so
that I might see the contours of your body.”
prof: O, meron na bang nakapunta sa inyong XXX
class: (tahimik)
prof: (medyo nadisappoint) Ano?! Puro na lang ba kayo aral? Aral na
lang kayo ng aral, ha? Wala na kayong napupuntahan kakaaral niyo!
same prof: Nakita niyo na ba ang Hoover dam?
class: (tahimik uli)
prof: Hehehehe, ang yabang ko talaga!
Second day of classes
Same Prof: (kinuha ang box ng colored chalks) Ano ba naman ito…
(tapos iniitsa sa lamesa yung mga dark colored chalks)
class: (tahimik na nagmamasid)
Prof: Class, sulatan niyo ang manufacturer ng chalk na ito, at
sabihing tanggalin na ang mga walang kwentang kulay na ito… brown,
green, violet. hindi makikita ito sa board. Convince them
class: (tahimik at gulat)
Prof: and .25 incentive sa final grade niyo!
terror prof after an exam (last day na din ng class..): ok class.. see
you next sem!
Classmate: Ma’am, pwede po bang next week na kami mag report?
Ma’am: Alam mo, God is good. And I am God. So yes, pwede next week.
galing kay sir U eliserio during creative writing class…
“try everything once except incest”
and one day pumasok ng room, galit na galit. hinagis ang bag sa table,
nagwawala sa harap ng room dahil hindi daw nasagot ng previous class
niya ang question niya. kaya dapat daw masagot namin, ang makasagot
may plus points. kapag walang makasagot, lagot kami. ang tanong….
“class, sinong lalaking artista dun sa TV show na wonder years”?
“Mamatay na mangopya…”
saka
“Ang hindi maka-100, bobo!”.
FIRST DAY OF CLASSES: “Kung may boyfriend o girlfriend kayo na hindi
taga-UP, hiwalayan niyo na agad. Walang pupuntahan yan. Hindi kayo
magkaka-intindihan. Tapos yung mga anak niyo, magiging bobo. Gusto
niyo ba yun?”
ANOTHER PROF: “Hoy girls, wag kayong kukuha ng boyfriend dito sa UP.
Pare-parehas tayong mahirap dito. Kumuha kayo ng mayaman. 80% of the
child’s intelligence comes from the Mother naman eh. Kayo guys, wag
kayo kukuha ng bobong babae. Kahit matalino kayo, magiging bobo anak
niyo.”
“Class, kaya mahal ang bayad sa mga professors sa ibang school kasi
ang bobobo ng mga estudyante dun. Dyuskoh, I used to teach there… at
lumuluha talaga ako ng dugo bago maintindihan ng mga students yung
sinasabi ko. Ang mahal nga ng bayad, magkakasakit ka naman sa panga
kakaulit ng lessons! Wag na lang! Dito na ko sa UP, at least
nagkakaintindihan tayo. Diba?”
Dahil kami ang mga huling estudyante ni Dr. David at mahal na mahal
namin siya, nag-compile kami dati ng mga quotable quotes mula sa
kanya. Ito ang ilan:
“Meanings we find are the meanings we make.”
“The measure of a man is how many doors he has opened to other people,
especially to those he doesn’t know.”
“Earth is the only heaven we can know.”
“Do not live long enough to be worthless.”
“Domestication of the human male is one of the greatest achievement of
the human race.”
“kapatid ng sinungaling ang magnanakaw.
“ergo, gma’s marriage to mike arroyo is null and void ab initio.”
consti law class, 1st sem, AY 2005-06
“running for summa ka? mapapagod ka lang.”
“Si Miriam, crush ko ‘yun dati. Muntikan na maging kami, kaso nasiraan
ng ulo, kaya ‘yun, iba ang asawa ko.”
“Class, gusto ko kayong i-train na mag-English, so when you’re here in
class, magsalita kayo ng English! Ako lang ang exempted dahil matanda
na ako at ako ang teacher!”
Ma’am Vitriolo (2nd to the last meeting)
Okay class, next week, we start the lecture proper.
more of Ma’am Ilao
Sabi ng Prof ko dahil may kaklase akong recite ng recite w/o raising her hand
“I think this is the first time i have a student w/ tourette in my class…”
Recite parin ng recite yung student
“Wow the ejaculatory comments just don’t stop!”
from my socsci1 prof last sem: “Birds of the same feather FLOCK
together…don’ t forget the L”.
“I’ll strangle you, strangle you really hard, smack right in your
jugular (pause ng mga 5 seconds), you do know where your jugular is?”
‘bakit parang napakaligaya ng klase niyo? maging sad naman kayo, 5
mins.’ – prof ko sa math 100.
from Prof Soresca in my spanish 1 class
Prof:”Mr. Gatbunton, why are you late?!”
Student:”Sorry Mam, galing pa ako Las Pinas.”
Prof: “Ladies, don’t marry somebody from Las Pinas because they have
bamboo organs!!”
Marx is more Christian than Christ and Christ is more Marxist than Marx.
- Sir Lanuza.
sa geol11, ayaw mag-recite ng mga classmates ko..
sabi ni ma’am cathy
“wag na mahiya, you have nothing to lose but your face..”
si sir agapito..habang 2nd exam at malakas ang ulan..
“ang lakas ng ulan, ayos yan at least hindi halata pag umiiyak..”
Class: Sir, sa exams po ba nagbibigay kayo ng partial points?
Prof: Hmm, if I see partial wisdom.
“It’s okay to smoke inside my class. As long as you don’t breathe it
out.” -Dr. Obsioma, Biodiversity
“Oh, this is good. It’s poetic because it’s perfectly stupid.” -
Ricardo de Ungria last week on my classmate’s work.
Prof: Did I remind the class last meeting that we’re going to have an
exam today?
Class: (dead air)
Prof: Ok, it seems I forgot to remind the class that we’re going to
have an exam today. I’m giving you five minutes then to buy a
bluebook. We’re going to have an exam today.
sir tiamson (span 11)
“ayan, di ka makasagot. yung bakal sa ngipin mo naapektuhan na yung
pagsasalita mo”
_________________
Biy 09 Dis 2011 at 3:45 hapon
Ms. Maru out of topic to, ask ko lang sana kung do you still sell polvoron? order sana ako panreregalo ko sa mga office mates ko this x-mas, thank you – rockwell (0916-393 2779)
Biy 09 Dis 2011 at 5:09 hapon
Hi Rico….
Hindi ako gumawa ngayon…masyadong busy eh. Oist! Merry Christmas nga pala.